The Journey of the Giraffe which is probably the least eventful story in the world. But is complete with pictures.

Of course, I have many giraffe stories. However, I have yet to have a giraffe story with a CAMERA on hand. Lucky for me, while on a walk through our chalet park, we stumbled across this:




I know. Adorable.

I had a camera this time. No make up on my face mind you, but a camera. Proof:



Make-up aint nothing when you are staying in a chalet with a private pool.

We walked 20 metres up to the guy on our side of the fence and he decided to step forward to greet us.

He halved the distance in one step.

I chickened out. Ran away and used the zoom.



Magnificent.

The End.

I post twice in one day when I get angry...

I like having criminals in government.

No wait. I don't.

But over 67% of South Africans sure do.

What bothers me about this...


No one else seems bothered.

Why aren't South Africans as angry as I am?

15 years of ANC rule has left SA with broken promises, crime and corruption. Will Zuma spare the country from another 5 years of detriment? Doubt it.

This is bullshit and no one gives a damn. Get angry. I have a US passport. I can leave when I choose. Not everyone can. And it seems as if thinking South Africans have just rolled over. Maybe they don't care.

Maybe it's not my fight. Maybe I shouldn't care either. Maybe I should just leave.


And maybe, just maybe I will.

I can't get no Satisfaction.

You know things are in a bad state when Political leaders are shot during voting...

Somehow this is peaceful.

Somehow this warrantes a single sentence inside a story about how the ANC is winning...

Is there a problem here? I think so.

Ugh. Sad Day.

Apparently I blog about South African politics a lot.

I like South Africa. Honest.

And I like politics. Double Honest.

Politics in South Africa scare the crap out of me.

It scares me that Jacob Zuma is predicted to be elected on Wednesday as the next president of South Africa. btw... read that link above any other link on this post.

Next election I want to be president of South Africa. Oh wait. I can't.

Maybe if I just get a criminal record first, then I will be applicable.

This is a crock.

The South African so called democracy is such a bunch of flooey.

Pity. Because I like this place. Honest.

My newest Love

South Africa is home so so many beautiful musicians.

Dave Matthews was born in Johannesburg. And we all know how I feel about him. Tree63 is from South Africa. Although their *questionable* musicality is another post for another time. Seether (previously known as Saron Gas) is South African. Stealing Love Jones (previously known as Love Jones) are also from good ole , uh here.

Lately it is not those bands that I am in awe with.

The airwaves have been filled with the most extraordinary song.


Prime Circle.


Prime Circle is South African extraordinaire.

Take a listen for yourself. Tell me what you are thinking about it. Personally, I give them a 9.5 *purely because sometimes I'm hard to please*

The Silver Mullet ...I mean Bullet...

Sometimes I enjoy living in South Africa. The sky is more beautiful here than anywhere else I've been. The culture is so diverse that I learn so much everyday about other people. I get to try my hand at 11 different languages of which I have mastered one. English.

I have many reasons why I do not in fact like living in South Africa though.

Top Three Reasons I Hate Living in South Africa

1. Black Empowerment. I am not black. My parents are not well-off. 'nuff said.

2. Theft. Family car was broken into recently. Thankfully we still have our car (unlike last time) and no one was hurt in the process.

3. My Farmer's tan. The walk from the car to work this morning left me with a slightly darker forearm than upper arm. Hooray! Now I look like David Letterman's feet.

Joy of all joys.

Sometimes I count down the years until I move back to the states. Then I watch Gossip Girl and am thankful I am right where I am.

What I *LOVE* about Christmas

Today is a glorious day! I have completed the Christmas shopping. Hoor-freaking-ay!

I must admit I am not a fan of Christmas shopping and every year I end up thinking to myself that I have GOT to start earlier. I am a very bad Santa's helper. OOh, I enjoy gift giving. I enjoy finding fabulous finds for my loved ones based on my personal financial strain. Love that.

I am a big fan of shopping in general. It's grand and fabulous, especially when you have cash to spend. Halle-freaking-lujah.

But what can't stand, and encounter every freaking time I went out Christmas shopping, is the dreaded, the horrible, the irritating 'stop-directly-in-front-of-you-to-chat-to-some-distance-
acquaintance-about-the-weather-and-block-not-just-the-
aisle-but-the-entire-corridor-making-it-impossible-to-
get-by-until-they-finish-the-dumb-conversation' Person. The 'SDIFOYTCTSDAATWABNJTABTECMIITGBUTFTDC' Person is usually the affluent Bimbo parading around in high heels with gazillions of parcels being juggled by their significant other. The SO of the SDIFOYTCTSDAATWABNJTABTECMIITGBUTFTDC stands there shifting their weight awkwardly behind the SDIFOYTCTSDAATWABNJTABTECMIITGBUTFTDC and stares awkwardly at you, the extremely irritated unable to walk shopper.

This strange traffic jam enables the second dreaded person to irritate the Unable to Walk Shopper. The dreaded Neck Breather comes up behind the Unable to Walk Shopper and breaths from their nose upon your irritated neck. This allows you to feel two steaming streams of toxic nose breath colliding into your neck hairs. The stench is horrendous, the claustrophobia is growing and you.are.angry.

And you can't do anything about it. Until the weather-talkers realise they actually don't want to talk to each other and continue on their merry ways. Until the Nose breathing Neck tickler holds his breath, you are stuck.

*sigh* Christmas Joy. Christmas Cheer. Yeah, I love Christmas.

Zapiro is my hero

I love Zapiro.

Today he has come into hot water yet again because of a cartoon published by the Sunday Times earlier this year. Jacob Zuma is suing Jonathon Shapiro (Zapiro) and the Sunday Times for R7 million. The claim consists of R5m for alleged damage to Zuma's reputation and R2m for alleged damage to his dignity (as said by NEWS24).

The cartoon, posted below, shows lady justice being pinned down by political leaders and Zuma preparing to rape her.



Has Zapiro crossed the line?

I personally side with Shapiro. The elitism of the South African government is disgusting. The disregard for justice is more than merely concerning. This is a blatant and shocking image that accurately reflects my own shock and disgust. The fact that Zuma has recently been acquitted of rapes charges is moot. This is clearly a separate issue.

Pity, because I wouldn't mind writing another post about how much I despise Zuma and the ANC. I am ashamed of you ANC. I am ashamed of you Zuma.

I won!

I came back today from my extreme camping trip to see that I won Hillbilly's giveaway! Needless to say I am so very excited! Thanks again to her and her fabulous Husband for choosing me! I suppose I should begin thinking of my own giveaway! Would ya'll be keen on something South African? Or something more fabulously chic? Weigh in and I'll keep my eyes open!

The camping trip was amazing! Thanks for hanging in there with the scheduled posts. Although it looks like only a few actually posted. Ehm. Lame. I would care more but last night I was caught in a ferocious thunderstorm and yeah, nearly died. Ok not really but it kinda felt like it.

It looks like I did promise a sneak peek at the invites. I have to be honest A good little blogger would blur out all the names and yadda yadda. So if you are planning on stalking me, please don't. Thanks.

Here was our inspiration: The Fi and I saw this on theknot and LOVED it.



We made a bit less stark and more elegant using, of course, chocolate brown and red! I tried really hard to get a good picture of it but this was the best I got:


It was very exciting giving them to our friends and family. Sorry Grandma, yours will be posted soon! Just waiting to hear from Ann about her or Grandpa's postal address :)(Shameless I know! :) )

I like camping

I am really looking forward to this weekend. Its a 5 day weekend for me mostly because my company is taking off Monday and tuesdays is a Public Holiday. This is rad. My family and some friends of the family are all going to make a noise and party til the break of dawn. The Fi can only come part time since his silly boss demands he works on the Monday. Dumb.

So in essence tonight I will look like this



Except in colour. And there will be many more people. woohoo!

My top Seven Favourite things about camping are:

1. The Food. I don't eat bread, chocolate, or any other carbohydrate and I haven't for a month. This wedding means weight loss means no bread or anything like that. So camping means braais! (BBQs) and Potjies! (stewish stuff) and biltong (beef jerky but yummier!)

2. The Fire. burn baby burn.

3. The company. Camping means lots of friends which means lots of laughter and games! which brings me to numero 4

4. Games! I am the poker champion. Bring it on boys!

5. The Fiance. Obviously camping with him is great!

6. The wildlife. I love the possibility that a rhino will crash into my tent. (or not)

7. Camping makes me feel wild and unpredictable. I am just that hardcore!

Modern Sexism?

Last year I was jobless and desperate. I was so desperate I was ready to go into....


Retail.


I figured I knew music better than average folk, and so when I walked by the local music shop and noticed it was hiring I walked in to ask for an application.

Do you know what I was told?

No.

I asked why. (apparently pending humiliation does not act as a strong deterrent.)

We don't hire girls.

I asked why again. (I have no shame)

The hours are long.

Sir, I currently work 12 hour night shifts. I can work. (No I do not know WHY I remained there.)

The shifts are dangerous.

I am hardly someone people mess with. *insert angry eyes*

We have a policy to only hire men.

So me and my curvalilciousness marched right outta there.

I vowed to never ever buy anything from there ever again. No matter how great of a deal it was.

But I failed.

The Fi took me on a date on Saturday and before the movie we ravaged this shop like never before. The sale... was astonishing. R10 per CD. That's $1. Per.CD. *sigh* and they weren't terrible CDs. We scored. And I gloated. In front of the the very man who told me last year I couldn't work there. I have no problem helping him lose money. Surely after this sale, the products that don't sell will be put back on the rack for R180. That's R170 you lose dumb Afrikaans chauvinist. Suck on that!

With great thanks to the Fi, I realised my own hypocrisy. I worked as a cocktail waitress previous to this conversation. I was hired on the spot as most waitresses are and I happened to be one of the longest working female waitresses there. For good reason. But I digress.

I overheard one of my managers turn down a girl because she wasn't pretty enough. What kind of discrimination is that? It's crap and I knew it. At that moment I should have quit. I should have waltzed right outta there. But I didn't.

So as I complain that I was born the wrong gender, I myself removed the rights of the other girl by staying there. By enabling those men to pick and choose and even getting an ego trip out, I became no better than the company who refused to hire women.

So while the man sucks on my wicked deal, I gotta suck on my own inadequacies.

*sigh*

Even I contribute to the discrimination in society.

The Naked Truth

Prompted by Hillbilly's contest I have been thinking a lot about my expression of truth.

It really baffled me. How do I express truth? When has truth been best expressed to me? What is truth? How do I know that it is true? And worst of all how the heck am I going to communicate this to a gaggle of strangers?

And so I thought. A lot. And I worked out clearly what I know truth is NOT.

I really don't buy into relativism. The thought that truth is transient doesn't fit well with me. I am transient. I am fleeting. My mortality encourages my search for truth that is steadfast, unwavering, and strong.

My closest experience to Truth was when I was taking a picnic in the Pilansburg Mountains. I wandered off by myself exploring and found a spot on a gigantic rock overlooking a scene much like this one.

I looked out. The wind picked up and threatened to throw me over. The jutting dead trees littering the ground deep below me offered little comfort. For a brief moment,vertigo gripped me fiercely.

I panicked.

I was going to fall.

In my panic I looked to my feet. They were firmly planted. The rock had been my support and I was, in fact, in no danger. I sat there for a while because, despite being on a cliff overlooking a kilometer plummet, I was completely secure. I was not going to fall.

Truth to me has inherent religious connotations. I have no shame in saying I put my trust and my hope in Jesus Christ. This is rock solid. This is stable. This has found me completely secure in my situation. Much like how I felt on that rock in the Pilansburg, despite the immediate danger I am facing, I am safe. The truth is that when the wind dies down and the sun beats upon my face once again, my feet will remain firmly planted in truth and I will not fall.

The normal Thanksgiving schpeel

Apparently today is Thanksgiving. So Happy Thanksgiving! Eat, Drink and be Merry.

Obviously Thanksgiving isn't a holiday (or even mentioned) here. This makes me sad because we could always use a little count your blessings time.

Blessing #1

There is a program that a local radio station is conducting. It is called the Christmas Wishlist by Highveld The idea behind this is that businesses donate goods in order to help people who have had a hard knock in life. This morning an 18 year old girl was the person helped. She was looking at raising R125 000 in order to pay for University. She had lost both parents recently and could not affford this despite being accepted into a very good design school. Standard Bank donated to her all the funds for her fees, meals and everything she would need for the next 3 years.

Generous people who care, this is Blessing #1

Blessing #2

Last night my mother stayed up late with me in effort to finish these damn invitations. Purely anyone who can tolerate me for that long deserves a metal. In this catagory are my incredible friends without whom I would be a blubbering mess of an idiot.

My friends and family is blessing #2

Blessing #3

The Fi. He never fails to make me laugh (even though sometimes its AT him)and to romance me. I am so thankful for him. *sigh*

Blessing #4

I have a job. I do not have a life-threatening illness. I have people around me who support me and those around who don't. I have a place to live. I have food to eat.

Life's big little things is Blessing #4

Blessing #5

Opportunities. There are few people whose pipedreams become reality. I really can obtain my dream. I have so many opportunities to do what I want with my life and that in itself is a HUGE blessing

These Top 5 things are the things that this little South African/ American is thankful for today.

Life in the Big City

This post was saved and I accidently posted it early before I was ready for it to be read. I am sorry if you read it before I could remove it. My comedic genius was working on making it funny (obviously!)...

Yes I do realise that Pretoria (or Tshwane as we are to now call it) is far from a thrilling city. Full of the backwardness of poor city planning I am now knee-deep in dutchmen-ville. I do get teased for the way my South African accent is turning more Afrikaans and that I no longer need to read the subtitles of 7 de Laan. I say things like 'too much of' , 'ja', and I have even caught myself saying the dreaded, 'Can like to be'. My grammar has gone out the window. All because I study English at TUKKIES! (too bad I can't record the way that has to be said. Because there is a way to say it so that is sounds strong powerful and very Afrikaans.)

So, that leads to today's thought. These are my top 13 tips to living as an American in Pretoria.

1. Don't tell anyone that you are American. Either they will ask you something retarded like whether or not you know Oprah or their third cousin twice removed who lives in Canada, or they will try to rip you off trying to make you think that you have to pay to walk on the sidewalk.

2. Don't leave your windows open at the traffic lights. The beggars/hawkers will reach into your car and steal your stuff. And you probably like your stuff and don't want to chase a one or two legged man down the street just to get your cellphone back.

3. Try not to speak. You accent will give your nationality away. See Number 1.

4. Learn Afrikaans. It is a lot of fun to eavesdrop when no one knows you understand what they are talking about. Hours of entertainment here... Especially when you get the luck of them talking about you while you are in the room.

5. Don't drink the water. No, really, I think someone might have died in the reserve they pump it from. When people drink it for extended periods of time they begin to like Steve Hofmeyer and adore Vernon Koekemoer and say things like 'Can like to be'.

6. One word. Loftus. Avoid it and the traffic created by it.

7. Don't bother trying to find parking. Walk everywhere. Sure it might be more dangerous, but if you take your car it will most likely get stolen then you will have to walk home anyway.

8. If someone says 'for you my friend I'll give you special price' understand one thing. You are not their friend, everyone gets the 'special' price and you are most likely getting ripped off.

9. Buy a new map book every 6 weeks. Pretty soon after all the name changes you won't know where you are going. Ever. Try and keep ahead of the game.

10. Don't give money to ANC supporters. Despite failed promises, a collapsing economy and increase after increase in everything from the 60% increase in electricity prices to the incredibly ridiculous taxes to interest rates they will continue to vote ANC until they die.

11. Learn how to ride a dead horse. You have to deal with things not working. Broken this and that, Bank systems will be offline and even power outages when you want to cook dinner/dry your hair. If you understand how to ride a dead horse maybe you will cope easier with all the dead things in Tshwane.

12. Eat at Po's Kitchen. It's the best Chinese in the world. Expect maybe in China. And say hi to Po for me!

13. Don't carry money while you walk home. Spend it all while you shop. Black people who are dressed better than you, who actually still have a car and have their party of choice in government will probably stop you and give you a long story about their brother's sister's cousin's child who is hungry and how a neighbor gave him a meal and now he needs money to buy a thank you gift to the child's neighbor. Confused? I was too.

Monday, Monday so good to me

It is Monday, the day of to dos. The day were I sit and notice everything that I have to accomplish before next monday.

This week is my get-important-things-done week. I normally live in Pretoria near the university. Since the last few exams are around the corner (ie next week) I have a week off and are spending it at my folks home. I do not have a South African drivers license and it seems as though my American one is not applicable for some odd reason. I have not been able to get my license because the stupid government run Home Affairs took so freaking long to issue me my identity document. Now that I have such document I can not get a booking for my test. Why? The entire system has been either fully booked or not working. Curse you Murphy. Curse you South Africa!

This week I am hoping desperately for a lift to the licensing department where I can hopefully get my learners. Hoping. Because I am about to get married and I can't legally drive. Lame.

I am hoping to study for my exams. Woo. No, I will be studying for my exams. Not hoping here.

I am hoping to find a less expensive but still GORGEOUS wedding gown. Hoping with strong hopes here....

I am hoping to organise the room my parents have given me after I move out of my flat and before I get married.

And there was one other thing.... Oh yes, I am hoping to sort out my inspirations for blogging in November. I would love to reach 30 posts in 30 days!

Have a fantastic Monday everyone! Get all your hope- to - dos and need- to- dos accomplished so that you can breathe free-er!

Dear Anon

Dear Anon,

It is too bad you didn't place more information about yourself in the post. I would love to find out where you live, what you do and what makes you tick.

I don't have a problem defending my views. In fact, I want to thank you for calling me on not defending my statements in Tia's blog.

I will not debate theoretical jargon regarding the pharmaceutical companies. In my experience this does not assist the issue in anyway. Theory is not practicality.

I have lived in South Africa since 2004. I have seen things that most Americans only see on the television. I know more people who have died from AIDS related disease than people who have not. This is an excerpt from Avert - an international AIDS charity. On their page they say,

"It is difficult to overstate the suffering that HIV has caused in South Africa. With statistics showing that almost one in five adults are infected, HIV is widespread in a sense that can be difficult to imagine for those living in less-affected countries. For each person living with HIV, in South Africa and elsewhere, not only does it impact on their lives, but also those of their families, friends and wider communities.

With anti retroviral drug treatment, HIV-positive people can maintain their health and often lead relatively normal lives. Sadly, few people in South Africa have access to this treatment. This means that AIDS deaths are alarmingly common throughout the country. It is thought that almost half of all deaths in South Africa, and a staggering 71% of deaths among those aged between 15 and 49, are caused by AIDS. So many people are dying from AIDS that in some parts of the country, cemeteries are running out of space for the dead.A recent survey found that South Africans spent more time at funerals than they did having their hair cut, shopping or having barbecues. It also found that more than twice as many people had been to a funeral in the past month than had been to a wedding.

As well as the death and suffering that HIV has caused on an individual and community level, South Africa’s AIDS epidemic has also had a substantial impact on the country’s overall social and economic progress:

• Average life expectancy in South Africa is now 54 years – without AIDS, it is estimated that it would be 64. Over half of 15 year olds are not expected to reach the age of 60.⁵
• Between 1990 and 2003 – a period during which HIV prevalence in South Africa increased dramatically – the country fell by 35 places in the Human Development Index, a global directory that ranks countries by how developed they are.
• Hospitals are struggling to cope with the number of HIV-related patients that they have to care for. In 2006 a leading researcher estimated that HIV-positive patients would soon account for 60-70% of medical expenditure in South African hospitals.
• Schools have fewer teachers because of the AIDS epidemic. In 2006 it was estimated that 21% of teachers in South Africa were living with HIV.^"

South Africa is country with a strong economy, 'first-world' infrastructure and is only one of 61 territories in Africa. I know that this is not the only country in Africa struggling with this pandemic. I have been to rural villages in Mozambique and informal settlements in Swaziland. The impact of HIV/AIDS in these countries are heartbreaking to the same degree.

Yes, I realise that there are a plethora of reasons why the AIDS rate is so outrageously high. Poverty, Government inaction and ignorance/social stigma of AIDS victims all contribute to the frightening statistics. However, I cannot ignore that those with the power to help this situation do not assist with the power they are capable of. Those who help with all the fervour they contain just cannot do enough. If the pharmaceutical industry made less profit on AZT cocktails and other powerful industries also did their bit, Africa will not be in the same deadly situation. I realise they try, but their attempts are greatly undermined by their lust for profit and success.

Political Venting.

Today I went to the oriental plaza. It is a market with items supposedly imported from the orient and is sold to you by Indians. Most of them have never seen the Orient despite their ancestors being from India, but heck, who would notice, right?

Anyway, I am walking down the plaza strip and something catches my eye. It's a green flag with a picture of Thabo Mbeki on it. In case you don't follow SA politics, here is what has bee occurring recently:

Mr. Mbeki is the ex-president of South Africa by like 2 weeks. He was recently unceremoniously ousted from presidency because it was discovered that he was neck high in corruption bullshit. A few hours after the 'resigning' of Mr. Mbeki, a new president was sworn in to serve the remaining time of Mbeki's term. No one who this guy was, nor did they know how to pronounce his name. Kgalema Motlanthe is now the newest, non-elected president of South Africa.

Why was some random sworn in instead of a 'vice president'? The short answer: because this is Africa. South Africans do not vote in a person, they vote in a party. The ANC is the political party in power since Apartheid and the president of the ANC should be the next in line. But this wasn't the case.

Jacob Zuma is the president of the ANC. Unfortunately, he was unable to be sworn in due to his... being in court. Zuma has been in court numerous times. Once for rape and was strangely and almost OJ Simpson-like acquitted. During this particular case he made a statement that will forever and ever cast him in the stupid box. After having unprotected sex with an HIV positive woman, Zuma claimed he would not get the HI virus because he...wait for it... took a shower afterwards. A second time Zuma was charged with fraud and corruption. And was strangely and almost OJ Simpson-like acquitted. Recently he was again charged with corruption except this time in the same 'deal' that Mbeki was ousted for. Yet Zuma was acquitted on a legal technicality.

So enough of the (somewhat biased) politics 411. Back to the green flag... under the Mbeki flag was the exact same flag reading 'Long live Zuma, South Africa's next president'. The shop owner was a Zulu man with obviously strong communist leanings. It just echoes the thousands and thousands who rallied outside Zuma's court cases, violently protesting the apparent misrepresentation of Zuma. The ANC Youth League President even stated publicly, "I will kill for Zuma." In Africa we do not take such statements lightly.

What I do not understand is why so many people of colour choose to continue voting for the same party that continues to screw them over. The economy has plummeted (yes I know that recent economic struggles are due to worldwide issues) since the fall of Apartheid. Less indigenous people have decent paying jobs than during Apartheid. The ANC promised housing for every previously disadvantaged (ie Black) person in South Africa and has barely housed 100 000 Black families. The electricity shortage has not improved in the least as now 10 years after Aparteid there has been little maintenance done on the power stations and little planning on the consumption thus, the only power company is increasing the electricity to up to 60% with 3 hour blackouts weekly. Uncool guys. Very uncool.

Ultimately, the only joys I get out of thinking about politics are, local cartoonist, Zapiro's satirical cartoons found in the Mail and Guardian. This cartoon was published Oct 3 2008. It features the new president Kgalema Motlanthe at the desk and Jacob Zuma (the man under the infamous shower) in the shape of an iguana with the ANC youth League riding his back.
Yes. Politics stink. Bullshit stinks more. And that's all I have to say about that one.

It's all about the word-age...

I found this excellent and hilarious explanation of South African slang. It requires a post on my blog.

Braai: What is a braai? It is the first thing you will be invited to when you visit South Africa. A braai is a backyard barbecue and it will take place whatever the weather. So you will have to go even if its raining like mad and freezing cold. At a braai you will be introduced to a substance known as mieliepap, which the locals call edible.

Ag: This is one of the most useful South African words. Pronounced like the "ach" in the German "achtung", it can be used to start a reply when you are asked a tricky question, as in: "Ag, I don't know." Or a sense of resignation: "Ag, I'll have some more pap then." It can stand alone too as a signal of irritation or of pleasure.

Donner: A rude word, it comes from the Afrikaans "donder" (thunder). Pronounced "dorner", it means "beat up." Your rugby team can get donnered in a game, or your boss can donner you if you do a lousy job.

Eina: Widely used by all language groups, this word, derived from the Afrikaans, means "ouch." Pronounced "aynah", you can shout it out in sympathy when someone burns his finger on a hot potato at a braai, or eats mieliepap thats too hot.

Hey: Often used at the end of a sentence to emphasise the importance of what has just been said, it can also stand alone as a question. Instead of saying "excuse me?" or "pardon?" when you have not heard something directed at you, you can say: "Hey?" If you want to use it at the end of a sentence, you can say something like "Ag donner, this mieliepap is very hot, hey"

Isit?: This is a great word in conversations. Derived from the two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to contribute if someone tells you at the braai: "The Russians will succeed in their bid for capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and respect for private ownership." It is appropriate to respond by saying: "Isit?"
Jawelnofine: This is another conversation fallback word. Derived from the four words "yes", "well", "no" (q.v.) and "fine", it means roughly "how about that." If your bank manager tells you your account is overdrawn, you can say with confidence: "Jawelnofine."

Jislaaik: Pronounced "Yiss-like", it is an expression of astonishment. For instance, if someone tells you there are a billion people in China, a suitable comment is: "Jislaaik, that's a hang of a lot of people."

Klap: Pronounced "clup" - an Afrikaans word meaning smack, whack or spank. If you spend too much time at the movies at exam time, you could end up catching a sharp klap from your Dad. In America, that is called child abuse. In South Africa, it is called promoting education. It's what you do to the guy who gave you the hot mieliepap.

Lekker: An Afrikaans word meaning nice, this word is used by all language groups to express approval. If you see someone of the opposite sex who is
good-looking, you can exclaim: "Lekkerrr!" while dracalwing out the last syllable. You might, however, get a klap.

Tekkies: These are sneakers or running shoes. The word is also used to describe automobile or truck tyres. "Fat tekkies" are big tyres, as in: "Where did you get those lekker fat tekkies on your Volksie (VW), hey?"

Dop: This word has two basic meanings, one good and one bad. First the good. A dop is a drink, a cocktail, a sundowner, a noggin. If you are invited over for a dop, be careful. It could be one or two sedate drinks or a blast, depending on the company you have fallen in with. When you get invited to a braai, you will inevitably be asked to bring your own dop. Now the bad: To dop is to fail. If you dopped Standard Two (Grade 4) more than once, you probably won't be reading this.

Sarmie: This is a sandwich. For generations, school-children have traded sarmies during lunch breaks. If you are sending kids off to school in the morning, don't give them liver-polony sarmies. They are the toughest to trade. Definitely not lekker.

Bakkie : This word is pronounced "bucky" and it is a small truck or pick-up. Young men can take their "cherrie" (g/friend) to the drive-in flick in a bakkie, but it is not always an appropriate form of transport because the seats usually don't recline and you may be forced to watch the film. This is never the purpose of going to a drive-in flick.

Howzit: This is a universal South African greeting, and you will hear this word throughout the land. It is often used with the word "No" as in this exchange: "No, howzit?" "No, fine."

"Mrs Balls" Chutney: We don't know if the lady ever existed, but if she did, she has earned a place of honour in South African kitchen history. Chutney is, of course, of Indian origin and is pickled fruit prepared with vinegar, spices and sugar. South Africans are known to eat it with everything, including fried eggs. Some even put it on their mieliepap.

Now, Now: In much of the outside world, this is a comforting phrase: "Now, now, don't cry-I'll take you to the bioscope tomorrow." But in South Africa, this phrase means a little sooner than soon: "Ill clean my room now now, Ma." It is a little more urgent than "just now" which means an indefinite time in the future.

Tune grief: To be tuned grief is to be aggravated, harassed. Be selective about using the term. For example, if your bank manager calls you in for an urgent chat about your overdraft, you should avoid saying: "Hey, listen. You're tuning me grief, man." That would be unwise and could result in major tuning of grief. There are variations. You can say about your boss: "This oke (guy) is tuning me uphill."

Boet: This is an Afrikaans word meaning "brother" which is shared by all language groups. Pronounced " buht" as in "put", it can be applied to a non-brother. For instance a father can call his son "boet" and friends can apply the term to each other too. Sometimes the diminutive "boetie" is used. But don't use either with someone you hardly know - it will be thought patronising and you'll probably get donnered, hey.

Pasop: From the Afrikaans phrase meaning "Watch Out!", this warning is used and heeded by all language groups. As in: "Your mother hasn't had her morning coffee yet Boet, so pasop and stay out of her way." Sometimes just the word "pasop!" is enough without further explanation. Everyone knows it sets out a line in the sand not to be crossed.

Skop, Skiet en Donder: Literally "kick, shoot and thunder" in Afrikaans, this phrase is used by many English speakers to describe action movies or any activity which is lively and somewhat primitive. Clint Eastwood is always good for a skop, skiet en donder flick.

Vrot Pronounced - "frot": A wonderful word which means "rotten" or "putrid" in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything they really don't like. Most commonly it describes fruit or vegetables whose shelf lives have long expired, but a pair of takkies worn a few times too often can be termed vrot by unfortunate folk in the same room as the wearer. Also a rugby player who misses important tackles can be said to have played a vrot game - but not to his face because he won't appreciate it. Pasop. We once saw a movie review with this headline: "Slick Flick, Vrot Plot." However, it is mostly used to describe the state of the drunk boets at the braai who finished all their dop.

Graze: In a country with a strong agricultural tradition, it is not surprising that farming words crop up (pun intended) in general conversation. Thus to graze means to eat. If you are invited to a bioscope show, you may be asked: "Do you want to catch a graze now now?.

Catch a tan: This is what you do when you lie on the beach pretending to study for your matric exams. The Brits, who have their own odd phrases, say they are getting "bronzed". Nature has always been unkind to South African schoolchildren, providing beach and swimming pool weather just when they should be swotting for the mid-summer finals. If you spend too much time catching a tan at exam time, you could end up catching a sharp klap from your Dad.

Rock up: To rock up some place is to just sort of arrive. You don't make an appointment or tell anyone you are coming - you just rock up. Friends can do that but you have to be selective about it. You can't just rock up for a job interview or at a five-star restaurant. You give them a tinkle first - then you can rock up. You can, however, rock up at a braai providing you've brought your own dop.

Scale: To scale something is to steal it. A person who is "scaly" is not nice, a scumbag, and should be left off the Christmas party invitation lst. If he does rock up, don't give him any pap, donner him boet, and scale his dop, hey.