There are a lot of things that really amuse me. Men with their flies down while trying to pick up girls is hilarious. Funnier than that are the women whose dresses get stuck in their bum cheeks. These are even more funny when either of these people are being jackasses.
However. there is one thing that will ALWAYS get me giggling on the floor.
Jack Handey's little quotes are the funniest things in the world. Except maybe when you watch someone laugh so hard they pee their pants. That probably takes the cake.
Here is a collection of my favourite Handey-isms.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Sometimes, when I lie in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think to myself, "Man! I really need to fix that roof."
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
*sigh of joy*